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| I have not written here in forever, but I do remember this being a wonderful outlet when I felt that I needed to get things out. I had actually kind of forgotten all about my xanga as it was replaced with myspace, and then facebook. There are things that I cannot say on my myspace, or my facebook, however, that I have more freedom to say here. In reality, I know that this isn't actually all that private either. It is on display for virtually anyone in the world to see. I am sure with a little digging, anyone can find it.
So, what is it that I am needing to get off of my chest right now? A lot. Let me start out by saying that for the past three years I have had the most wonderful, most rewarding, absolutely amazing job. I was doing something that I enjoyed. I was able to make a difference, a REAL difference in the lives of children, specifically those with special needs. It was exactly my kind of thing. Every day was faced with a new challenge and a new reward. I will not say that it was always easy. I have dealt with a lot. There were three separate occasions when I had to take a trip to the hospital because of injuries that were inflicted upon me by one of my students. I kept with it though. I felt that it was more important to stick with it, than to give up. The temp agency that I was working through wanted to pull me from the job, but I begged the owner to let me stay. This past year I have dealt with other types of things that were not pleasant by any means, but because I loved the students and loved my job - I did it.
Our classroom is in a some what secluded area, so not everyone knows what I (all of us, actually) dealt with on a day to day basis, but it was not always fun or easy. (I still must say that it was the best job, ever.) Every day was a new day that brought new challenges and new obstacles. We accepted them, worked through them and did not give up.
At the end of this past school year, we knew that we were losing a para. No one would come out directly and say it, or who it would be, but we all knew it was going to happen. There are three of us who were not employed directly through the school board. We were through a temporary agency until we got hired on by the school board. Typically the way it is supposed to work is the last person hired through the temp agency should be the first to go when there are cut backs or lay offs. There were two people hired after me, so I guess I was kind of blindsided yesterday when the head of human resource at the school board called me. The way it happened was even more shocking than the fact that I was laid off.
My phone rang with a number that I did not recognize, so I didn't answer it. A few minutes later it showed up that I had a voicemail. The message word for word was:
"Hi, Traci. This is ______ from _______________ human resource department. Please call me back at your earliest convenience. My number is _________. Once again this is _____ from ____________. Thank you."
So, I called a friend of mine who was hired through the parish last year (she worked for the same temp agency at the same school as me) to ask her why this person might be calling my phone. Her first response was "Oh my god, Traci! You got on!!" She went on to explain that when she got on it was this same person who had called her. So, I hung up with the promise that I would call her to tell her the good news.
I called the person back to hear that I had been laid off. However, I was highly recommended by the principal that I worked for, so he wanted to call before the temp agency called. He wanted to offer me a position at another school. However, it would still be through the temp agency. Basically the job was mine, I still had to go through the interview process, but he was confident that I had the job.
I told him I would think about it, and talk to the lady at the temp agency. To make a long story short, it wouldn't be the same type of classroom that I am working in now and I have no desire to work with high school age students in the type of classroom that it would be. So, I chose not to go on the interview, but I still have questions.
Why did the principal that I worked for not have the decency to call me and let me know herself? Why was I let go when there were two people hired after me?
I am not trying to put anyone down, or belittle the job that anyone does, but I know for a fact that I did my job better than some of the others there.
All of that aside, though...mostly I am just heartbroken. I am heartbroken because I know I still had a lot to offer. I know that my students will miss me. I will miss them. I am not sure how to feel right now. I'm just hurt.
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| Is hate really the opposite of love, when it's so much alike. The passion, the emotion, the feelings that are so strong you are certain you may explode. If it is so opposite, why is it so alike? Can someone have these two feelings towards the same person? Can I love you, and hate you at the same time, because I do. Or maybe I only think I love you, because I am certain that I hate you. Perhaps I love the idea of you, the sound of you, the smell of you, and the knowledge that I am not here alone. Why have I let myself become so secluded from those that I truly love to be around someone I so truly hate? I hate that you think you are always right. I hate that you will not listen to what I have to say if you do not agree with it. I hate that when I am mad at you, you throw in the towel with out finishing the fight. I hate that you feel as though you won simply because you refuse to hear me out. I hate that you get me so angry, then waltz in to hold a conversation as though I were never mad. I hate that you are so sure of yourself for all the wrong reasons, those reasons that you could not be more wrong about. I hate the way you use me, you are selfish and greedy. I hate the way you scoff at the things I want to say. I hate your nonchalant view of everything in life. I hate your lack of emotions. I pretty much hate everything about you...
...but I suffer because I hate being alone.
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| We're music box figures, passionless, and void. We're hollow and lifeless; we dance with no cause. It's done because we're compelled to, and when this masquerade is over, we're more barren than when it began. We feed a fire that's never begun to burn, yet is never quenched. With each lick of the flame it steals another lungful of oxygen. Quenching, robbing, killing the very lives that it feeds. Strangling, choking, smothering the very essence of our souls. Where did it begin, how does it end? Can it be stopped? With each drink; our thirst increases. With each bite; our hunger grows. How can we end it? When will it stop? Will we ever be whole? | | |
| Here I am, about to take a stand on my soapbox, preaching to a world of would be listeners, but no one will hear. With good reason I'm sure. You get what you give, and I'm selfish with my time, and efforts. I give more time to some than I should, and not enough to others. The rest I keep, I hoard it away, only to realize at the end of the day once time is gone, it's never replaced. It's not something you can store, or save for tomorrow. Efforts...I never put effort into things that I should. It seems as though I'd perfer to waste any effort I have in a spiraling chase of frivolous things. I'd do better to quench my thirst with salt water. It's not the want of someone, it's the want of something. Something I will not find in someone, and have not found in anyone. Have I stopped drinking from this poisoned well? Of course not, because that would be the wise thing to do. Why waste life on wisdom and rational thinking? In the end, I'll be dead and gone either way. What fun will that be? Nothing in life is free, it all comes with a price. Some things come at more of a bargain than others. What have I been willing to pay for? What will I be willing to pay for? What am I paying for? Because we all know: you get what you pay for. What is it that I'm getting? Which leads me to ask: how much did I pay? It's all a game, it's all about how well you play. What's to be done with me? I'm the more nonchalant type, I don't care for games. What is my score going to be? Will I get points for just being me? Which, when the final second has vanished from the scoreboard, I'm sure that any points I may have aquired still won't be much when tallied. Do I care? Should I more mindful? Should this world that is ever-evolving, yet not changing one bit concern me? Would you believe me if I said that think about it too much, but put up a facade of ignoring it all? Would you think that I were feigning concern, and trying to cover it in a cloak of indifference? When all is said and done, all I really want is to be loved for me. Not for what I do, or have done, because in reality, it hasn't been much. I don't want this temporary make-shift love, because I know when something better comes along, I'm going to be left alone. It's not about being pessimistic, it's about taking off the rose-colored glasses, and seeing the world as it truly is.
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| Where does change come from? Where does one get the strength to change? Where does one conjur up the desire to change?
How do you make someone understand that some actions last longer than just the moment that they take place. Is there any going back? Is life truly a one time shot? Can what's been done, be undone without having further consequences?
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